My husband and I were slow to adjust to the empty nest. When our third child moved out a year ago, we shuffled through the house aimlessly for a couple of months. Cooking dinner according to the kids’ various work and gym schedules was no longer necessary. Going out to dinner became significantly more affordable with two vs. five people, so we started trying restaurants. The house was insanely too quiet but we loved how neat and organized it was. Eventually, we embraced the new, far simpler lifestyle, and even went away for a week together sans kids which we hadn’t done in 30 years since our honeymoon.
We also started slacking.
Dishes piled up near the dishwasher and we giggled while reaching around the mess for yet another glass from the cupboard. About the third day in, one of us would cave and finally load and run the small stack. A no-no in our family was eating dinner in the living room, which husband and I began doing on the regular.
We started watching movies instead of managing endless chores after hours. Previously, I always folded the throw blankets and picked up the living room before bed. Now, I pull the fluffy down comforter up to my neck, guiltless that I walked right by the strewn Sherpas, charging cords and half-filled drinking glasses on the end tables.
My husband and I are both first-borns, high energy people that slowly realized we could stop living at a Mach 10 speed. The kids went out of state for college, but usually only a month or two passed before one or all were home on some break. During those months, we were catching up, never creating a routine of rest. The fully empty nest meant settling into our new sofa before 9pm, resting our minds and bodies in a way we hadn’t…ever.
Six months into the empty nest, we looked at each other across the giant sectional and laughed. “Should we be doing something?” I asked my husband. He shook his head NO! and reclined the seat while chuckling.
The truth is, we were tired. Looking back like most empty nesters, we marvel at what was accomplished and question how some years it was even humanly possible to keep the schedules that we did. Now, we grant ourselves permission to rest. I read, pray and write. Unrushed, working on taking time for myself without anxiety that I should be doing something else.
That was until my daughter recently announced, “1500 miles from home is too far”. She launched a full-on job search, landed an even better role than her current great one and notified Dad and Mama that she’s coming back! She recently flew home for two weeks to finalize the employment paperwork, tour her new corporate home and begin reorganizing her childhood bedroom.
During her visit, I grew acutely aware of my cluttered vanity and unscrubbed toilets. Staring at a blank wall, I questioned whether we should again update our décor. I found myself wiping down the kitchen and cleaning the house like company was coming.
“I’m sorry the house is a mess” I told my daughter. She rolled her eyes and laughed. “Oh, yes, a true disaster!” Seeing that I’m serious, she questions that I can’t be. “Mom, stop.” She motions with her hands in a circle. “What’s a mess? A few dishes?!” Her eyes roll. Well, yes, I answer to my inner self-critic.
Daughter laughs hard and reads my mind. “Do you know how happy it makes all of us to see you and Dad sitting? The three of us eating in the living room in front of movies last night? Awesome!” More laughter.
My husband and I spent the remaining time with our daughter breaking house rules. Laundry and dishes piled. We ate with the tv on, talking latest politics and travel plans. We watched way too much Netflix. We left the house a disaster, guilt-free, while touring the art gallery and enjoying a great dinner downtown.
Her moving home, albeit temporarily, will help me find a new balance. It won’t be the pace we kept while raising them, nor the string of too-quiet both of us still tire of by the weekend. The home will have a new rhythm for this brief season and I’m embracing it.
Click on images for sources.
Tales from a Mid-Lifer 
Leave a reply to The Mindful Migraine Blog Cancel reply