My husband and I were slow to adjust to the empty nest. When our third child moved out a year ago, we shuffled through the house aimlessly for a couple of months. Cooking dinner according to the kids’ various work and gym schedules was no longer necessary. Going out to dinner became significantly more affordable with two vs. five people, so we started trying restaurants. The house was insanely too quiet but we loved how neat and organized it was. Eventually, we embraced the new, far simpler lifestyle, and even went away for a week together sans kids which we hadn’t done in 30 years since our honeymoon.
We also started slacking.
Dishes piled up near the dishwasher and we giggled while reaching around the mess for yet another glass from the cupboard. About the third day in, one of us would cave and finally load and run the small stack. A no-no in our family was eating dinner in the living room, which husband and I began doing on the regular.
We started watching movies instead of managing endless chores after hours. Previously, I always folded the throw blankets and picked up the living room before bed. Now, I pull the fluffy down comforter up to my neck, guiltless that I walked right by the strewn Sherpas, charging cords and half-filled drinking glasses on the end tables.
My husband and I are both first-borns, high energy people that slowly realized we could stop living at a Mach 10 speed. The kids went out of state for college, but usually only a month or two passed before one or all were home on some break. During those months, we were catching up, never creating a routine of rest. The fully empty nest meant settling into our new sofa before 9pm, resting our minds and bodies in a way we hadn’t…ever.
Six months into the empty nest, we looked at each other across the giant sectional and laughed. “Should we be doing something?” I asked my husband. He shook his head NO! and reclined the seat while chuckling.
The truth is, we were tired. Looking back like most empty nesters, we marvel at what was accomplished and question how some years it was even humanly possible to keep the schedules that we did. Now, we grant ourselves permission to rest. I read, pray and write. Unrushed, working on taking time for myself without anxiety that I should be doing something else.
That was until my daughter recently announced, “1500 miles from home is too far”. She launched a full-on job search, landed an even better role than her current great one and notified Dad and Mama that she’s coming back! She recently flew home for two weeks to finalize the employment paperwork, tour her new corporate home and begin reorganizing her childhood bedroom.
During her visit, I grew acutely aware of my cluttered vanity and unscrubbed toilets. Staring at a blank wall, I questioned whether we should again update our décor. I found myself wiping down the kitchen and cleaning the house like company was coming.
“I’m sorry the house is a mess” I told my daughter. She rolled her eyes and laughed. “Oh, yes, a true disaster!” Seeing that I’m serious, she questions that I can’t be. “Mom, stop.” She motions with her hands in a circle. “What’s a mess? A few dishes?!” Her eyes roll. Well, yes, I answer to my inner self-critic.
Daughter laughs hard and reads my mind. “Do you know how happy it makes all of us to see you and Dad sitting? The three of us eating in the living room in front of movies last night? Awesome!” More laughter.
My husband and I spent the remaining time with our daughter breaking house rules. Laundry and dishes piled. We ate with the tv on, talking latest politics and travel plans. We watched way too much Netflix. We left the house a disaster, guilt-free, while touring the art gallery and enjoying a great dinner downtown.
Her moving home, albeit temporarily, will help me find a new balance. It won’t be the pace we kept while raising them, nor the string of too-quiet both of us still tire of by the weekend. The home will have a new rhythm for this brief season and I’m embracing it.
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Tales from a Mid-Life Mama 
18 responses to “When the Adult Kids Move Back Home, Must Mom and Dad Step it Back Up?”
I moved back in with my parents when I was in my late 20s – it only lasted a couple of months! I now have two teenage daughters who may never be able to afford a place of their own… it will be interesting to see how we adapt to the challenge if required! Great post! Linda xox
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Yes, I’m enjoying the short time she is back home. As parents, we find ways to adapt through every season, don’t we?! Thank you for reading and have a great holiday weekend!
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We had both our sons return to the nest – so for about 2 years we had “company”. There were nights when we called and asked them to take the dog out and feed him his dinner as we were “busy” and would be home late. It took them a little while to figure out that we were enjoying a “date night”…
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Since two years is quite a while, I’m guessing you had to relive the feelings of an empty nest all over again when they moved back out…
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They bought a house a very short distance away and would stop over multiple times a week. We could count on one of them for dinner every couple days. It was a nice gradual transition. Even now, son#1 stops over to have dinner about once a week on his days off! And son#2 now lives about 90 minutes away but his quartet plays local weddings so in the spring/summer he comes in nearly every weekend!
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That’s the best! I love when they are “home” during the week and I can tell you do too!
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My daughter always mashed fun of me when she comes home and I say something is messy. Though our nest isn’t empty as my 96 year old mom and my sister live with us, we do adult messes which aren’t so bad.
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I like the term “adult messes”! 🙂 How wonderful that both your Mom and sister continue to fill your nest.
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After 14 years of a completely empty nest and now retirement, my husband and I are the same as you. We don’t stress over our mess because honestly, it’s not nearly the mess our three kids used to make. And I had the former title of “Mrs. Clean!” Enjoy this new stage and the temporary return of one of your “birdies” returning to the nest for a bit. We had that too and while it was a blessing to have one of ours return for a time, we were also ready to go back to empty nesting.
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That’s a great perspective – that the mess you and your husband make is nothing compared to having all the kids home! Life is strange… it’s so difficult when they initially leave and yet, you and others say you’re “ready to go back to empty nesting” after a birdie returns home for a bit. I’ll find out this summer…
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The first few years of empty nesting is difficult but then you get used to just the two of you like it was before children. And it’s fun and relaxing. In our case, when one of our birdies had to move back in, it was a devastating time in her life and she needed us.
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Yes, I recall reading about that difficult time. No matter what age they reach, we stay on our knees.
I’ll trust you that “fun and relaxing” waits ahead!
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Oh, what a lovely post. I’m a firstborn too and am inclined to not sit and relax. I love that you’ve embraced “breaking the rules,” especially while your daughter is at home. Enjoy your time with your daughter!
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Thank you! For me, “normal” is non-stop and it appears you can relate! It really does take time to shift, even a little.
Have a great day!
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Love this. I’m honestly looking forward to a bit of rest…
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I’m glad you did and I’m happy for you that ‘rest’ is ahead.
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What a wonderful post! When you’ve spent your entire life moving, working, and multitasking at warp speed it’s hard to slow down when you have the opportunity. I’m trying to improve on that myself. Failing most of the time, but I keep trying. lol!!
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Thank you!
It’s good that you are trying … I agree it’s hard to do!😄 When you live a certain way for a couple of decades, it takes time to adjust and change.
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