The 35-year-young mom of two preschoolers quickly said hello, then fired off a series of complaints to me in a breathy 20 seconds. ‘My husband and I should be saving money but he wants another flat screen on the back porch. Things aren’t great between us. Like, they are bad. The little one isn’t out of diapers, there’s a chance I could be transferred and the daycare situation is a nightmare. I’m paying $54,000 a year for the two of them and they are always down a teacher. The mom who used to pick them up at 2:30 can’t anymore. I need help. I’m so tired. What should I do?’ She stared at me wild-eyed, waiting for an answer.
I stared back momentarily, having so many questions of my own – starting with the cost of daycare! For that price, she should hire a private tutor. I offered honest words, not hollow, cheerleading assurances. Of course, I mixed into the dialogue how the preschool years are a blink and to prioritize the family over outside pursuits (for a season). As she and her husband are major corporate executives, I expected a huff or possibly no hello next time we crossed paths.
Instead, she leaned in as I mathematically presented the number of remaining “earning years” she would have if she went part time or stayed home now and returned once the kids were in high school. We briefly discussed driving $100K new cars off the lot, having a housekeeper, recently sinking $60K into an already $2.5million brand-new-built home, and just returning from an overseas get away with the “like it’s bad” husband. Her vulnerability opened the door to real, honest conversation and I walked through.
When younger generations are enjoying success at work, elevated incomes, and general ease in their personal life, they think 50-yr old’s are ancients from another world. When suggestions or advice are offered, “I know” is a common response. They need nothing from the archaic mid-lifers.
Conversely, the 30-somethings who find themselves struggling believe you must have textbook answers to cure their upset. After all, you somehow combed your hair this morning, put on makeup and are driving a clean SUV in the presence of a harried mom with last week’s peanut butter sandwich on the car floor. She also knows you’ve survived decades of marriage, raised good humans, and have a savings account.
Gen Z doesn’t get to see us X’ers in our younger version. They assume it must have been easier. “Everything is more expensive now!” “It was different back then!” They don’t have memories of us managing feedings and toilet training and working while parenting (which is no easy task). They don’t know about layoffs, credit card debt and difficult relationships. They observe a relatively calm mid-lifer, no longer running to fields and rinks and teacher conferences all in one afternoon. Unable to see beyond their own parenting madness, they assume “back then” was soooo much easier. Surely, we didn’t work as hard and long, collapsing in exhaustion every night (insert laughter).
We mid-lifers learn to provide wisdom when sought and zip it the rest of the time. Often, there isn’t much to suggest to parents of preschoolers besides affirming encouragement and lots of hugs. You and I know they will survive. The irony is that while we seek to help the Z’ers, we are now navigating a whole new set of trials, frustrations and difficulties of our own. Stuff that we vaguely recall “older people” enduring but really thought would skip over us. We assumed we’d be different from them, right?
Whether younger or older, life is complicated, filled with varying degrees of joy and misery. We mid-lifers don’t know everything, but what we do know isn’t nothing.
Tales from a Mid-Lifer 
Leave a reply to ortensia Cancel reply