Tales from a Mid-Lifer

On my knees, I gripped the bottom of the bedpost white-knuckled, squeezing my eyelids tight. “God, please make this stop,” I begged. Then I assured myself, “I know it will stop. I’m ok. It’s ok.”

My second run with vertigo recently ended and it lasted seven weeks. The first time was six years ago when I woke up in a full spin that morning, certain something dreadful was wrong. Once I learned what it was and that nothing provides relief, I lived in anticipation of a room spin while the remainder of my days were off balance.

The week it originally started back then, we had an appointment to refinance our house. We made it half way downtown before I clutched the car door, asking my husband to turn around. Once back home, he called the refinance people, trying to reschedule. They offered to send someone to the house. Standing at the kitchen island later that evening, we briefly explained why we couldn’t make it to the office. The young woman’s face immediately softened and empathized. “Oh my gosh, my Dad had vertigo on and off for years. That condition will make you batshit crazy.” I would eventually discover she was right.

There are several forms of vertigo which include varying reasons for the initial onset and how it presents throughout its duration. Mine was a general state of positional vertigo. I thank God that this type allows relatively normal living.

When I spoke to my pastor about it six years ago, he explained how he too opened his eyes one morning to find his bedroom whirling around him at warp speed. His CT showed a brain tumor which was subsequently removed and he was healed. His story put mine in quick perspective.

My CT back then showed nothing, praise God. The usual Dix-Hallpike test for benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) didn’t trigger another spin, so the technician didn’t observe my eyes flickering. If something can’t be seen, general physicians are skeptical and hint that you may be nuts. A relatively normal person suddenly disoriented in a public place without warning, living on edge anticipating the worst…sounds like panic to the medical professionals. “No wax in your ears, you’re fine.” This made me retreat, silencing my explanations, alone in my misery.

While the spin lasts seconds, the continuous, watery, foggy sensation in my head was every day all day. Planning my daughter’s high school graduation back then, the daylight hours felt like climbing out of a 22-hr car ride in a pickup truck without shocks, then jumping into an elevator and riding up and down for a few more hours. I moved gingerly, careful how I turned. Sleep was abruptly disturbed if my head fell to the right while propped up on my bed wedge.

This time, by week three, I was researching weird at-home remedy videos, sticking my fingers in my ears, massaging my Eustachian tubes, all to no avail. The randomness is frightening, the constant-ness near maddening. At home, I wandered around frustrated. When going out, I was pulled together and didn’t speak of it to anyone. During a friend’s birthday dinner conversation, I smiled all through the constant haze and soft motion of a boat ride.

There are surely far, far worse circumstances and conditions – this is not lost on me.

My husband’s colleague texted to say his wife was taken to the ER with severe dizziness. They determined she had a bout with vertigo. I expressed my sincere concern, deeply empathetic to the initial fear it presents, along with the never-ending, every minute off-balance feeling throughout the days. He responded, “it could have been something much worse. She’s fine.”

It could have. She is. But it is miserable and you feel anything but fine.

If you happen to be experienced with vertigo, please comment if you can help others, and I pray for you right now as I type this sentence. In Jesus’ name, may we each be freed from this.

Image credits: Dark hair holding forehead in bed: https://www.10faq.com/health/what-causes-dizziness/6/ Dark hair in bed: scopeheal.com Woman laying in bed: hear.com Ear: betterbalanceinlife.com